Even The Perfect Soldier Cries
by mirai no hane
Summary: Completed! What happens when Heero relives his past while staying at the Winner Estate. Includes lyrics from LP
1. Crawling

Even the Perfect Soldier Cries  
  
  
  
Some people say the past can be overcome, that we can all move on from the horrible events in our lives that we choose to forget, but forgetting is not easy. Especially for some.  
  
**************  
  
Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal  
  
**************  
  
The gundam pilot of 01 lay awake one night not being able to sleep because of his all to real past. The events of his life were all to hard to forget, and they were now hitting him in his dreams. He sat up in his bed and looked around his room, seeing that he was back in reality, Heero quietly got out of bed and walked out of his room. The hallways were long,, considering the fact all of the gundam pilots were staying at The Winner Estate that Quatre, gundam pilot of 04 , owned. He crept past the rest of the bedrooms and made his way down a smaller hall. There. Heero saw something no one else could. Holding a yellow flower was the little girl that he had accidentally killed during a mission. She looked up at him with her big eyes and threw the flower on the floor. Heero closed his eyes and shook his head, knowing this was not real.  
  
**************  
  
Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real  
  
**************  
  
She was still there when he opened his eyes, standing there, smiling. He took two steps back and still the little girl stood, smiling. Heero quickly turned around and walked away from the hallway. It was all too strange; especially people from his past are now coming to him when he was awake. He turned now another hallway, and again saw something no one else could. Now the little girl was playing with her puppy, Mary. Heero walked away from that hallway as well.  
  
**************  
  
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming/Confusing  
  
**************  
  
Heero walked down a set of stairs, He came to the bottom of the staircase and shook his head again and walked to a window and looked out. Again he saw another image of his past. There stood Dekim Barton and Dr. J in front of a eight year old Heero. After messing up, Dekim bent down and smacked the young boy down to the ground. And when the boy tried to get up, Dekim kicked him down again. Heero clenched his teeth, made a fist, and put it through the window.  
  
**************  
  
This lack of self-control I feel is never ending Controlling, I can't seem.  
  
**************  
  
Duo and Quate woke up when they heard the shattering glass. The both walked out of their rooms, and looked first at each other, then to where the noise was came from. Downstairs, Heero looked at his now bloody hand. It symbolized to him, the pain and suffering he went through, and still was going through. He walked from the now broken window . Quatre and Duo walked down the flight of stairs where they first heard the shattering glass, and discovered that the window had been broken. Duo looked down and saw blood and pointed this out to Quatre. There also appeared to be a trail of drips of blood, leading away from the window, and they both followed them.  
  
  
  
**************  
  
To find myself again My walls are closing in (Not a sense of confidence I convinced that there's too much pressure to take)  
  
**************  
  
Heero walked outside, hoping that just maybe that the night air would calm his nerves, and stop the images of his past. But this wasn't so. Heero saw himself, holding the detonation button. Walking away from the base, which he had just blown up. He saw the mobile suit fall, killing everyone in that building, discovering the little girls teddy bear, burying her dead dog. Then saw the peacekeepers he accidentally killed because of an OZ trick. He saw the innocent people he had killed when he first tried out the new type gundam Epyon. So many innocents.. He could not take any of this anymore. He took a handgun out, which he had found in the weapons cabinet, it to his forehead and shot off the gun.  
  
**************  
  
I've felt this way before So insecure..  
  
**************  
  
Wu Fei and Trowa woke up when they heard the gunshot and ran downstairs to find out who had shot off a gun. They had met up with Duo and Quatre, who were just as surprised to hear the shot. The followed the bloods trail to the weapons cabinet and found it open. While taking some pistols, the other gundam pilots wondered where Heero had gone. Surely he would have heard the gunshot and he would be the first to go after who ever shot the gun off. But with the weapons cabinet open and Heero missing. they all ran outside to where the gun shot came from. There, they all saw a sight, which they didn't want to see.  
  
**************  
  
Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real  
  
**************  
  
Hidden behind a table, Heero sat on the ground with his knees up to his chest, hiding his face in his arms, which were around his knees. He had quickly changed his aim and shot the wall two inches from his head. The gun he used was next to him, along with some blood from his hand. Wu Fei thought this whole scene was pathetic; Trowa and Duo couldn't believe it and Quatre knew something was wrong. He took a step closer to Heero and suddenly stopped. Heero looked up and this shocked even Wu Fei. It appeared the he'd been crying, something the gundam pilots thought he couldn't do. He was the Perfect Soldier after all and he wasn't supposed to have emotion. But even the Perfect Soldier can have feeling.  
  
**************  
  
Discomfort inside me has pulled itself upon me  
  
Distracting/Reacting  
  
**************  
  
Heero stood up and turned away from the others and began walking. Quatre began to follow him, hoping that maybe he'd be able to help him. But Duo told him he should be left alone, especially now. Heero walked up to another window and looked at his reflection.  
  
  
  
**************  
  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting, I can't seem.. To find myself again My walls are closing in (Not a sense of confidence I convinced that there's too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before, So insecure. **************  
  
His reflection reveled his pathetic state, and he was appalled at sight. He should have put an end to this all, he shouldn't have missed he thought. It began to rain and Heero thought that God was feeling pity towards him. He looked back at the others and Duo and Quatre advanced a bit towards him. Heero turned completely around to see the last image of his horrible past, the images flicked in his mind. All the pain and suffering he had caused, the pain he had gotten, his horrible training, all the fighting. Trowa and Wu Fei moved closer, as Heero looked up at the sky. They stopped. Heero closed his eyes, clenched his fists and screamed one last scream for all the pain he felt and never could express.  
  
**************  
  
Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real ************** 


	2. One Step Closer

Yes I did decide to continue this after so many people e-mailed me too. Also because I have been sick from school for the past two days. I don't own Gundam Wing or any associated with it.  
  
I do like the first chapter better than this one but hey I don't feel like rewriting it at the moment. Please R&R!  
  
This story is now dedicated to my sis Terry!  
  
  
  
Even the Perfect Soldier Cries Chapter 2: One Step Closer  
  
****** I cannot take this anymore  
  
I'm saying everything I've said before  
  
All these words they make no sense  
  
I find bliss is ignorance ******  
  
  
  
"Look I told you I'm fine!" Heero yelled as he headed towards his room, everyone chasing after him.  
  
"Then what was outside all about?" Duo asked, concerned for his friend.  
  
"Come on Heero, let us help you." Quatre pleaded  
  
" I'm fine now leave me alone!" Heero slammed the door shut.  
  
  
  
******  
  
Less I hear the less you say  
  
But you'll find that out anyway  
  
  
  
Wu Fei crossed his arms and frowned. Trowa stood back and leaned against the hallway wall, watching their useless attempts at getting Heero to talk to them.  
  
"Let us help you!" Duo yelled as he slammed his fists against the door.  
  
No response  
  
Quatre took a calmer approach. "Heero we are here to help you. Please explain to us why you did what you did to the window, why you tried to shot yourself, why...why you were crying."  
  
Still no response from the other side of the door. Heero had become very annoyed at the pilots. Why couldn't they leave him alone? They never wanted to help him fight the demons in his head before, fight himself. Why start now? He lie down on the bed and buried his head in the pillow, trying to drown them out.  
  
"Fine be that way." Duo said annoyed at the door as they left the hallway.  
  
******  
  
Just like before  
  
******  
  
Later on that day, the rest of the pilots were fixing the window and cleaning up the shattered glass and blood.  
  
"Why couldn't that bastard come out here and help us fix the mess his caused?" Wu Fei said through clenched teeth as he finished the last of repairs.  
  
"Let him have a bit more time to himself. He'll come and tell us what's bothering him when he wants to." Quatre replied.  
  
"I agree" Trowa said. Duo looked over to the doorway, which lead outside. Sitting on the ground in the gardens was the familiar brown haired pilot. "He's out" Duo said.  
  
  
  
******  
  
Everything you say to me  
  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
  
I'm about to break  
  
*******  
  
  
  
Heero sat outside. Being in that room brought back to many mixed feelings from that night. He stopped seeing his past in front of his eyes, but it still roamed around inside the back of his. He stared at the arrangement of flowers in the garden, trying to take his mind off things. Suddenly her heard footsteps behind him. He turned his head to find that Quatre and Duo were approaching him. From inside, Trowa and Wu Fei watched.  
  
"Leave me alone." Heero said rather emotionless.  
  
"Heero, please tell us what's wrong." Quatre pleaded once more.  
  
"Yeah we probably know how you feel." Duo added.  
  
*********  
  
I need a little room to breathe  
  
'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
  
I'm about to break  
  
*********  
  
  
  
Heero stood up, becoming once again very annoyed at them and now extremely pissed off. They wouldn't help him out before when they saw him hurting and why should they start now?  
  
"You don't know..." Heero hissed. "You don't know how I feel. You wouldn't because you don't know anything about my past"  
  
Trowa and Wu Fei could both this encounter might take a turn for the worse. They stood outside, ready to restrain Heero incase he became violent.  
  
"Heero let us help. Talk with us" Quatre took a step towards Heero. "We know how you feel about what went on in the past."  
  
"You're wrong! You don't know. You never had been treated the way I was when I was younger. You didn't go through what I did. You didn't kill someone that had cared somewhat about you. You never had your humanity taken away in the blink of an eye. You don't know!" he stormed off and back towards the house.  
  
Duo and Quatre stood there in shock. They had never head any feeling in that voice before, you any emotion in that face. And just now, they heard and saw fear, pain and sorrow coming from him. Heero walked past Trowa and Wu Fei. He saw that Wu Fei had a look of pity on his face.  
  
"Bakayoru." Heero muttered as he walked by and into the house.  
  
  
  
*********  
  
I find the answers aren't so clear  
  
Wish I could find a way to disappear  
  
All these thoughts they make no sense  
  
I find bliss in ignorance  
  
********  
  
  
  
He found his way back into his room and sat down on the bed. He felt mad at himself so acting so pathetic out there. Heero looked around his room and then shook his head. In front of him was the little girl again. She looked at him with her big blue eyes. The look in her eyes asked the question, 'why did you let the mobile suit fall on my apartment building.' He grabbed a shoe and tossed it at her. He had missed and the window shattered.  
  
"Quit torturing me!" he screamed  
  
  
  
*********  
  
Over and over again  
  
*********  
  
Everyone heard Heero screaming and saw the window shatter.  
  
"Not again." Duo looked up at all the noise. They all ran back into the house and down the long hallways.  
  
"That's it he's going to talk to us this time." Wu Fei said as they continued down another hall.  
  
"Lets see what's going on first." Trowa said.  
  
Meanwhile Heero made his way from his room to the bathroom. He knew that they were coming for him. He knew that they were going to try and make him talk. He flipped the light switch on and turned on the faucet. He cupped his hands under the water and splashed it at his face. The cool water seemed to calm him down again. Heero dried his face off with a towel and looked at the mirror. He was staring into the eyes of his younger self. He blinked and shook his head, the reflection in the mirror returning to the way if was suppose to be. He heard the other pilots talking down the hall and figured that they were heading here. Frantically, Heero searched threw the many drawers in the vanity until he saw a razor blade. He stared at it. The voices were coming down the hall were louder now.  
  
"I'll put an end to the visions, and end to my existence. Then no one else will suffer." He said to himself.  
  
He held out his arm and quickly and swiftly ran the razor blade across his wrist and then up to the middle of his forearm. It began to bleed almost immediately. He felt a sense of peace was over him as he felt the warm blood pool up and run down his hand, dripping on the floor. Heero quickly ran the razor across the other wrist and then dropped the razor on the counter top. He was growing weaker quickly and stumbled to the doorway. He felt dizzy and faint. He knew that any minute the pilots would be here and find him dead on the ground. Heero smiled and he fell down in the doorway, half in the bathroom and halfway in the hallway.  
  
"I'm...free..." he whispered and passed out.  
  
Trowa, Duo and Wu Fei looked in Heero's room as Quatre looked down the other hallway.  
  
"Kuso! Where could he have gone?" Wu Fei cursed after finding out Heero was not there.  
  
"Maybe he went back outside. I mean there are so many doors here." Duo replied.  
  
Trowa stepped out of the doorway and looked around. "Lets keep looking" he said.  
  
Suddenly they heard Quatre scream which caused everyone to jump. Duo and Wu Fei ran out into the hallway. "What's wrong Quatre?" Duo yelled.  
  
There was silence for a minute "C..Come here." Quatre yelled back.  
  
They ran down the hall and saw Quatre. The looked at what Quatre was staring at. The gasped.  
  
"Why did you do this to yourself Heero?" Duo asked himself.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes I know a cliffhanger. But don't worry. I will put chapter three up soon. 


	3. Easier to Run

Hey look a new chapter finally! 

These are not all the lyrics, just the ones that fit. I do not own Linkin Park or any thing related. I do not own Gundam Wing either, 

Even the Perfect Soldier Cries 

Chapter Three: Easier to Run 

The white hallway was empty, except for the sound of squeaky nurses shoes as they occasionally passed by. This wasn't that often, not in this section of the hospital. Sighing Duo looked up at the ceiling tiles over them in that hallway, thinking. It had been almost an entire day since the gundam pilots brought the unconscious, bleeding Heero to emergency room, and about three hours since they moved him to this section, the section for those with mental problems. 'Not him…..he's not here right now. He's stronger than that.' Duo thought and sighed, knowing this wasn't entirely true. Looking across from him now he saw Quatre standing next to Trowa, looking down at the floor with as much concern on his face as he had. Quatre was thinking the same thoughts as Duo, almost word for word. Trowa looked down at his best friend with concern, which could only be seen from the part of his face, which was not covered with his brown hair. 

"Are you alright Quatre?" he asked, placing a hand on Quatre's shoulder, a move that Duo didn't notice, being he was looking at the ceiling tiles above them once more. 

A bit surprised by this sudden action, Quatre's worried face looked up at Trowa and he forced a smile and nodded. In his mind, Quatre wasn't alright. He was sick with worry, more worry than he had ever felt for himself at one time or another, because his friend was slipping farther away from sanity. Trowa knew this and smiled a small smile, big enough for only Quatre to see, just incase Duo had found them more interesting then the ceiling tiles above. 

"I'm sure Heero will be fine" Trowa quietly said to his best friend, to relieve some of the worry from Quatre's mind. 

******* 

It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone 

******* 

The hospital room was bright, the shades drawn open to cheer this room up a bit. This was the way it was in all the rooms in the mental ward, full of teenagers who had tried to do the same thing to themselves, only, as Heero felt, which less reason then him. He hated this, he almost hated his friends as well. Why couldn't they have just let him die? He had caused them all, everyone he came in contact with so much misery and pain. Why couldn't they let him run from it all, his past and present? He felt he deserved to die. Laying on his side he held his forearms out, staring at gauze wrapped around them, closing his eyes. It wasn't too long ago he awoke to find himself alive, in a room similar to this, staring at the stsitches which closed his wounds. He was angry, angry that they had done this and began to claw at those stitches, tearing skin along with the stitches so he could bleed again, bleed away his pain, and curl up and die. 

****** 

Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played 

****** 

As his eyes remained closed he remembered the reason he wanted to die from the start, even at an early age. Those days of training, loosing every part of him that was human, all for one purpose. To become, as they all felt, the perfect soldier. He knew this, and he didn't want it, no more training, loosing himself knowing he wouldn't never fully recover any part of him that was human. He kept this from everyone, all his friends. He didn't want them to know what abuse he suffered during his upbringing, the pain he felt. He would not forget, he would never forget it, and he would always see that little girl that greeted him two nights ago. 

Out in the hallway, a large group arrived, consisting of Noin, Sally Po and Wufei. As they all knew and wanted, Relena was not notified of this. It wouldn't help her at this moment, trying to keep the peace going, screwing up because her crush tried to commit suicide twice in two days. They couldn't let the peace they all worked for so hard and lost so much for fall, and they wouldn't let this event cause it to. Sending a silent message to each other, they knew it was about time to step into the room, and confront their half sane friend. 

****** 

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
(I would take all my shame to the grave) 

*****

Stepping into the room, they all looked at him, or his side with deep sorrow. Here he was for all them to see in his emotional glory. They had never seen Heero with such emotion before, which such a deep set of mind to keep himself in this world with them. They didn't know why he did what he did, but they needed to know. And they wanted to know now. It was now or never for Heero to confront them with whatever caused him to become suicidal. 

"Hey there" said Duo, the one always to start a conversation in any conversation. 

There was not much of a response as Heero rolled onto his back, his blue eyes filled with nothing, only staring up at the ceiling. He knew they were all there and whispered one thing he wanted answered. 

"Why didn't you let me die?" 

*****

It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone 

***** 

Filled with nothing but rage because of what his friend said, Duo started to say everything he was thinking for the past day. 

"How could you say that Heero? Whats so wrong with you that you think death is the only way out? Why are you doing this to everyone huh? Why?" 

Quatre leaned against the wall and brought his arms around him, hugging himself. Trowa sighed and looked down at the floor, the same as Wufei who was a bit more understanding now, but believing those who wanted to take their lives were week. Noin rested her hand on Duo's shoulder gently and shook her head. Sally Po on the other hand brought a chair to Heeor's bedside and sat down, looking down at him with a small smile. 

"Is it because of your past haunting you? Because you feel you are reliving the pain you were forced to keep bottled up? 

******* 

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a path 

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)  
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)  
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)  
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)  
(I would take all my shame to the grave) 

****** 

Closing his eyes again he listened to Sally's words, especially those of keeping bottle up. It wasn't his fault! It wasn't he thought over and over again in his mind. It was that bastard Barton's fault (and no not Trowa) for this, ordering his retraining, stripping him off his humanity, and keeping anything he could feel to himself. And that was all pain, until he met his new friends. 

"I know you don't know what to do with the things you can feel again. Talking with people who care about you helps, and yes there are people who do." Sally said gently. 

****** 

Just watching in the sun  
All of my helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler to change 

*****

She was right, he thought. But a part of him still didn't want this, and wanted only to be dead. He was confused inside, and he felt helpless. He didn't want to die, but still the other part of him would take control and do as wished. All of him wanted to die before, and never give these people any more grief, and be forgiven by those who he harmed, and rot in hell as he though, was destined for. But as Sally talked, comforting and helping, more and more he thought he had a chance, and that they all did forgive him. Perhaps, even the little girl, who had disappeared from his mind. Everyone else was listing, and heard the faint replies he gave her, saying about how much pain he felt during his childhood, abuse, neglect, sorrow. No one really cared, they only wanted him for their ideals. Duo felt horrible about his shouting earlier, now understanding why Heero wanted to die so bad. He himself had once wanted to die. After what happened at the oprhange. But he had now, something which Heero though was false, and didn't really have. But now that changed. Sighing as a tear streamed down his face he whispered something. 

"I'm sorry. I don't want to die" 

Another chapter done. Hopefully more will be up soon.


	4. Don't Stay

Another chapter, I think one more to go. Done again to Linkin Park lyrics and not all of them. Some were deleted to make more sense. 

These are not all the lyrics, just the ones that fit. I do not own Linkin Park or any thing related. I do not own Gundam Wing either, 

Even the Perfect Soldier Cries 

Chapter Four: Don't Stay 

******* 

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe  
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me  
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know  
Somehow I need you to go 

******** 

About several days passed by since Heero was sent to the mental ward of the hospital, and it was here his healing had begun. Besides the many Preventer psychiatrists that gave him the guidelines and what to do to put the past behind him, and learn to deal with his vast emotions, his friends stopped by everyday, and gave him the courage to finally leave it all and move on ahead. Still part of him, perhaps the perfect soldier, nagged at him sometimes, saying he should just disappear and have no further contact with these people. But he would ignore those thoughts that droned in the back of his head, and set his mind on getting well. 

Lying in the hospital bed, he thought. Now that he decided that he was going to live, no matter what the perfect soldier said, it was time to think over everything. It was time to put everything behind, like everyone had said to him and he believed it. But again every time he thought about this, the perfect soldier inside told him otherwise. 

********** **

Don't stay  
Forget our memories  
Forget our possibilities  
What you were changing me into  
Just give me myself back and  
Don't stay

************ **

** He thought more as he layed there in the darkness of the room, battling himself in his head against the perfect soldier he used to be. Nothing seemed to make a valid aurgement with the perfect soldier, but he wouldn't give in again. 'No, I had so much to live for,' he thought, 'my friends, Relena, my future.' But there was that voice again, telling him otherwise, giving him every aurgemnt against staying with these people, and just laying down dying. 'The little girl and her puppy, everyone you ever thought wants you dead. You deserve to die and rot in hell with what you have done', argued this voice, showing him all the painful memories that where kept hidden from others, from himself and caused pain once more. 'No! I'm not dying! I'm not giving in!' , he shouted in his mind. And that was it, the perfect soldier gave up finding his new self was not be reckoned with. **

**A short chapter, just to give you some insight on how he beat his mind. Another chapter. Next! **


	5. Healing Time

Dun dun dun...It's the finally to the story ( and after all this time it's about time ). There is no lyrics to this chapter, seeing how it doesn't need them. Again I do not own Gundam Wing or anything that deals with it. Oh, I promise there will be a updated version of the story, mcuh longer and much better.

Even the Perfect Soldier Cries

Chapter 5: Healing

It was a few weeks later and finally was the day that Heero could go back home. Finishing changing out of the hospital gown and back into his own clothes, Heero stood infront of the mirrored door of the closet in the hospital room, and took a good look at himself. This was it, and he hoped that this whole experience had some effect on him, hoping that he could finally move on from his horrible past and try to live a normal life without battles and fighting, he just had to!

"Hey Heero buddy hurry up! Everyone's waiting for you back at the mansion!" called Duo from the hallway. His voice was still loud, even with the door half shut.

But before he could leave this room, and leave everything that had happened behind, he had to look himself in the eyes to fully believe this is what he wanted, and not something everyone else wanted for themselves. He looked at his reflection and gave himself the first genuine smile he had ever given in a long time. he would be alright and he would survive, and not have to do it all alone this time. He had friends that would always be there, and not just leave him there to have to face his inner demons alone, and he could finally express everything that he had wanted to before to others. He would never fully recover from what his training had brought him, or how others had hurt him during his life. he knew that he could never forget the things he did while he was a emotionless killing machine, and he knew that. but as the councilors had told him, and as his friends has always told him from the beginning, there is always a life beyond it.

"Hey you done or what?" called the now annoyed Duo from the door. Four younger nurses had just made passes at him, then ran off and giggled about how stupid teenage boys were. Duo, who of course has great hearing, had overheard them and now wanted to leave.

"In a minute." Heero replied and put on his jacket, and before going out into the hallway, pulled up the coat sleeve and looked at the scaring that the stitches caused. These would always be here as well, and every time he looked at them he would be reminded of this.

He walked over to the door and opened it all the way, and Duo sighed in relief. "About time. Ready?"

__________

Well that's the end. Not until I rewrite this and make it a bit better. I hoped you liked it though, and I know it was bad in a few or more spots, this was my first fic. but I don't want symphony. 


End file.
